Intentionality

Every year one word comes up repeatedly - it becomes my "theme" for the year. This year it seems that word is intentionality. After hearing it from Bible studies, friends, and at church, I finally decided to sit up and pay attention.

What is intentionality? To me right now it means maximizing each moment of each day. As Jim Elliott said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation that you believe to be the will of God." Ephesians 5:16 puts it this way "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil."

This doesn't mean I won't ever turn on Hulu or hit snooze on the alarm. For me it means constantly evaluating what my priority needs to be at the moment, focusing on that priority, and taking opportunities to incorporate my overall goals into each day (more on the goals below).

Applying this concept means evaluating how I spend my time and being intentional about where I spend it. For instance- using my commute to listen to sermons or recite verses (recite not memorize ;). Using nursing sessions to pray for other families instead of browsing Facebook (or online shopping, a nursing mom's kryptonite). Actively seeking opportunities to encourage others, especially people I cross paths without really thinking about (like cashiers).

It's so easy to let the mundane activities of each day overwhelm the eternal reality we sing about on Sunday. I believe the words I sing on Sunday, but it's Tuesday night, I'm trying to get the toddler to eat veggies, I have about 28 hours of work to do after she goes to bed, and the baseboards need dusting again! I forget about intentionality in the name of survival (and I only have 1 kid!).

I'm ashamed to admit I take my salvation for granted. This part is so embarrassing and true... My life is amazing, and one aspect of why it is amazing is the security that comes from knowing that I've been forgiven and redeemed.  But with that security comes a complacency that prevents me from even thinking about sharing that redemption with others. If we all had a disease, and I found the cure, but kept it to myself, how selfish would that make me? We do have a disease, and I am grateful every day for the grace that I found - but I don't explicitly share it. Sharing that grace and abiding in that grace is part of my overall life goal - where I'm at right now is working on intentionally using my time to make that goal happen.

Ideas are welcome!

Plan B

Please don't judge me for this post. I'm afraid it will be a little snapshot of how my mind sometimes works in very stupid ways.

For years I held onto an escape route. My plan B. If my whole life goes south due to whatever stressful situation I am currently freaking out about, my 'plan b' kicks in.

My plan b is very simple: I will move out west to a national forest in CO or WY and become a forest ranger and live in a campground. (Dead serious).

There are people who do this for a living - I've met them - they work for national forests by being 'campground hosts' and don't really make any money other than what they need to survive. Most of these people are retired and it frankly sounds amazing.

I used this plan b as a stress-management tool for years. "If everything falls apart, this is what I'll do." "If I get sued for everything - forget this and I'm moving west". Austin knew about this and laughingly said he would move with me when I need to.

I'm ashamed to say I truly relied to some extent on this plan b until just a few months ago. I was flying home from a job and dealing with a larger-than-normal stress load, and I was defaulting to my escape plan - when it hit me.

I can never run away. There is no running away. There is no escape plan, no plan b, no national forest campground. This little atlas can't shrug. I can't run because running won't make the problems go away. Running only means that someone else would have to step in and clean up, and that is not an option. The only option is taking ownership and responsibility for whatever situation I want to run from.

This is all stupid and obvious to anyone who knows anything, but to me that night it was a crystal clear revelation. In that moment I felt the weight of adulthood and responsibility come down on my shoulders. Something in my brain clicked and I think part of me grew up, in a way that all the 4:30 morning alarms and 15 hour days had not caused me to grow.

How has this changed my life? Other than no longer using plan b as a stress reducer, I am making conscious efforts to accept responsibility and ownership for fixing problems. It is so tempting to respond to an error or an accusation with a deflection (it wasn't me, it was so-and-so!) or a defense. But guess what. If I am taking this adulthood thing seriously I just have to accept responsibility regardless of whether I am at fault or not - and fix it.

So that's it. That is how embarassingly simple my mind works.

Next step is to get rid of plan C, which is best represented by a note on my desk that says "someday you'll be dead and this won't matter." Wish me luck ;)

Fight another day

I frequently wonder if I am the only person who thought that by 24 I would have my life figured out. On paper it looks like I am on the right track... college degree, professional certification, career, husband, etc.

Well - news flash, I'm actually about ten years old and still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and can I please get off this crazy merry-go-round before I wake up at 55 and wonder where my life went!

So what's missing? My family would tell me having a baby or three is just what I (they) need. But although kids may bring some sort of long-term fulfillment, I'm pretty sure throwing a baby in my life now would only make the merry-go-round spin faster.

Maybe the answer to my life's purpose isn't some monumental one-time act that will make me feel like my life is worth something. Maybe this is the answer...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews12]

That's all I have figured out so far. That my life's purpose right now is to get up and fight every day - fight the sin that traps me, fight for joy from the only source that will satisfy, and fight for endurance to do it all again tomorrow.

For richer or for richer

My neighbor's son and his wife moved in with him last year. It was already a small house and now had to fit an extra couple and two teenage boys.
One of the most beautiful things I've seen all summer was one day when this couple started washing their truck in the driveway. They had country music blaring from the truck, and they were dancing to the music - he in his work clothes and she in a walmart employee outfit. There was nothing beautiful about this scene or their story, except that love was spilling through every aspect and transforming the whole picture.

I'm getting married in a week, so I have spent considerable time this summer thinking about love & co. What does it really mean? Obviously romantic infatuation doesn't guarantee 50 years of marriage, or divorce rates wouldn't be so high. I'm guessing most divorcee's didn't go in thinking it was gonna be a short term arrangement. Although, this may be changing, as people are trading in "til death do us part" for "as long as our love endures". For real. In my "vow research" (who KNEW how much research went into wedding planning? Good thing pinterest and I get along), I even found that some couples are trading in "for richer or for poorer" and using "for richer or for richer". Now that is what I call a conditional marriage, and I would run from the altar!

So people get married, fall out of love, get divorced, the cycle repeats itself. What is this elusive long-term unconditional love that Hollywood promised? I distinctly recall spending three hours with a group of friends at age 14 trying to define love, and then deciding there really was no comprehensive, accurate definition. (Yes I was a nerd even then :)

I can't put love into words, but I know when I see it.
I saw it in my neighbors' faces when they were dancing in the gravel driveway. I see it in the old man who opens the door for his wife for the ten millionth time. I see it in Austin's face and how he treats me, and that's why I'm going to put on that white dress, say those vows I have so carefully written, and take the biggest heart risk I have ever taken in my life.

Because if I wait until I have fully defined love,
 it may be too late for me to learn how to live it.

Confessions of a Bridezilla

Welcome to the wonderful world of weddings. This is so much more enjoyable than I ever imagined, but has the potential to become as stressful as everyone warned. I took a Bridezilla quiz yesterday. To date I have never thrown a fit in a flower shop or fired a member of the wedding party (groom included). In fact the quiz labeled me a "handler", but I decided my time was better spent not reading the detailed description of my wedding planning style.

Obvious immature breakdowns aside, what I am seeing is that every bride has the potential to become her own version of Bridezilla.

Why? It's all about me. No really, you're the bride, it is all about you. That's what every venue, vendor, and wedding planner will tell you. "It's whatever the bride wants!" "There are only two people at the wedding who matter, the bride and her mother!"
Am I saying this is wrong? Course not. It's normal. It is your day to plan exactly as you want. What I'm saying is that this can be dangerous. When every decision comes down to what you want, all the wedding fluff aside, it's really just selfish. Yes, I have to decide what wedding favors to put on the table, but am I letting this whole mindset (of figuring out exactly what I want and finding a way to make it happen) take over my emotions? Seems like it's a fine line.

My guess is that the timelines and details and cost and accompanying stress are enough to push the internal Bridezilla over the edge. Those things are more obvious though (my fiance does a good job of pulling me back from the world of stress to the world of reality).
What worries me more is the internal mindset affecting other decisions/emotions/rationalizations.
I am the bride. Blah blah blah. Subtle but I think powerful.

Hiatus

Usually you have to do something for a long time before getting a sabbatical, but I took one from my blog after just a few months. What can I say. Tax season ate my life, changed my habits and priorities, and blogging lost out. The convenient tax season excuses are gone now, so I have to come up with something else.

What happened in the past six months? Oh, you know, nothing extraordinary.

• My best friend asked me to marry him (I said yes.)
• Graduated (for the most part) with my undergrad degree, and was awarded oustanding baccalaureate degree in accounting. (I might have a bacc but I still can't spell it.) Worth noting that I made it to Commencement with the 4.0 GPA intact. Major collegiate goal accomplished (pending 2 summer classes to complete my 150 credit hours).

Consider this blog: updated. :)

Rolling with the punches

It has been one of those weeks. One of those years, maybe. ;) Sometimes I like to think I'm emotionally stronger than average, and then I have a week like this and in my best moments I'm crying like a 15 year old. Not that it's been all bad... and for future reference I think it's worthwhile to note some of the ups and downs of this week.

1. Downs. Because you always want the bad news first.
After six years of lucky driving, I got in my first accident. To be specific, I hit another car. Even worse, it was a parked car. They shouldn't be allowed to park along the street in the first place! But I didn't think that line would go very far with the police.

Who I did call, by the way, because I try to be a good person, even at 7 in the morning when it's dark outside and hit and run sounds very attractive.

And quite justly, my car suffered much greater damages than the scratches I gave the other car.

>>>This isn't my car, it just looks more dramatic, and does a better job of conveying the message that accidents are bad.

But really, six years of close calls, and this time I wasn't even texting!

Disclaimer: naturally I have not texted while driving since it became illegal to do so. In case you were going to turn me in or something.

So now there is a dent in the car and a dent in my pride.

2. Big deal, everybody gets in a wreck at some point. So what good thing happened that made this week rather exciting?
What about having dinner with the president of your university (when the student body is around 100,000)? That would be pretty neat. And then what about him praising you as an example in his speech to 60ish new full ride scholars to the university? And what about him using multiple quotes in his speech from a paper you wrote about a study abroad trip in Spain? And then praising your whole family for their hard work and various accomplishments, including giving recognition to your mom for her successful job homeschooling?!

The whole experience was pretty much surreal. In a "why am I getting this recognition" kind of surrealness. But definitely an experience to jot down in my mental notebook and save for later :)

This picture is from the same dinner, four years earlier, when I was an incoming scholar (I'm in the first row, fifth from right). I never thought that four years later I would be sitting at Pres. McRobbie's table! Naive freshman to clueless senior.
Four years later the main thing I've learned from college is how much I don't know. 

What a week. Some things to remember forever in the part of my mind called - when hard work is rewarded. Some to forget asap and move on.

I can truly say that the only thing that got me up every morning this week was one truth - "Your mercies are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Bring what comes, good or bad, I am hanging on to those words - to get me through every conversation, every fear, even to get me out of bed every day of the week.

Well, I can't lie. Saturday morning I mainly got up because I knew there was a blueberry cake donut waiting for me at work. But you get my drift.