COVID ramblings

A collection of random thoughts during quarantine that I could have put individually on social media, but didn't. You're welcome.

I don't get the toilet paper shortages. Were people not using toilet paper before? Does everyone have 100 rolls stockpiled now? Our toilet paper consumption and purchasing patterns have not changed...

Quarantine gave me the opportunity to try some different jobs. I think I am ok as a preschool teacher, but at best I'm a mediocre hairdresser.

Apparently in our normal lives we basically live at the grocery. Did not realize how much we went there until we intentionally tried not to go.

I'm not a big shopper, but I really just want to go to Hobby Lobby and walk around. I don't want to buy anything, but I just want the option of a completely non-essential trip.

Life for working parents is only going to be more difficult after COVID. Will daycares have to reduce the number of kids in attendance? Will daycares refuse to watch kids with runny noses? Sick kids are already the bane of my working parent existence, and I think it's about to get worse.

Quarantine means finally using all the stuff in our freezer: lamp chops and shark meat for dinner at our house. My husband now makes tortilla shells and bread from scratch. This is normal, right?

I never thought I'd say I was tired of wearing jeans. Apparently I don't own enough jeans. I just want to wear dress clothes again!
On the jeans note... it's been a long time since I wore so many jeans. It's made me realize that other than the two maternity jeans I bought in 2015, my next most recent jeans purchase was somewhere between 8-10 years ago. I'm not sure if that means I'm an adult or if that means I need to go shopping.

As a former homeschooler, I think it's so neat how many people scrapped e-learning and bought or created their own curriculum (with teacher approval). After 30 years of hearing people hate on homeschooling, I want to yell "that's the beauty of homeschooling! you get to recognize that different methods work for different kids, and you have flexibility to make an individual plan!" This is why many people homeschool... it's not because they hate socialization. Ok, off my soapbox.

Dr. Eric Yazel should get a Nobel peace prize. And a Pulitzer, I think Facebook counts as journalism now.

You know you're a parent in quarantine when:
-it occurs to you this would be a marvelous time for potty training.
-the fact that you must take solo trips to the grocery (no kids) is not at all terrible. The trips only occur infrequently, but they are still basically a vacation.

During COVID I tend to start emails to clients with 'I hope you are doing ok'. Perhaps that is something I should keep. Compassion for each other's well being matters even when it's not a pandemic.

My 3 year old's comments:
On wearing a mask: "I can't wear a mask. It will cover up my beautiful face!"
When she first got to see my sister after quarantine: "Aunt Rebecca! It's Mia, do you remember me?!"

Grace for the mom

Now that I’m three years into this parenting trip, I am picking up breadcrumbs of what it means to be a mom – emotionally, physically, mentally. A recurring challenge that surfaces both in my head and in conversations with other moms stems from the pressures and expectations we deal with as moms. Some of these are really self-imposed, and some are projected on us (rightly or wrongly) by other people. As a new mom, I have been struck again and again with the need for grace. Grace for ourselves, grace for each other. It can be so easy to judge, but we don’t know the battles a mom has fought just to be where she is. Here are some thoughts that have been building up in my head – reminders for myself and anyone who needs them – to be kind to others and to be kind to yourself.

Grace for the mom who goes to work every day and cries in the car because she misses her babies.

Grace for the mom who stays home with her kids and cries in the bathroom because she misses her career.

Grace for the mom who hasn’t been back to the gym since her baby was born and feels guilty for not investing time in her physical health.

Grace for the mom who still uses Johnson baby shampoo, lets her kids eat goldfish, and leaves the essential oils untouched in the cabinet.

Grace for the mom who is scared of her Instant Pot, and who isn’t nearly the cook she intended to be by the time she was 30.

Grace for the mom who snaps at her kids in Target: maybe she’s not a bad mom, maybe she’s just having a bad moment.

Grace for the mom who is always scrambling to get the laundry put away by bedtime, regardless of how early in the morning she started the load.

Grace for the mom who feels like she pours out her heart every day and still sometimes burns the muffins and forgets the meal train she signed up for (guilty!).

Grace for the mom who is just so, so tired: who rocks her baby as she watches the dawn creep in through the window, knowing that as the darkness disappears so does any chance for sleep before she heads into another long day.

Grace for the mom who falls into bed exhausted and lays awake overwhelmed with everything she didn’t accomplish that day.

It’s hard not to compare ourselves with others in this picture-perfect IG world. It’s hard not to fixate on our own impossible standard of perfection. Dwelling on feelings of guilt or failure truly accomplishes nothing – it only steals our joy and wastes our time. I’m probably a failure of a mom according to many standards, but at the end of the day I don’t have to answer to social media or my peers. I do have to answer to God for the way I’m spending my time and if I’m making the right choices for the sweet little faces that look up to me. I’m working to focus on the season I’m in, prioritizing what is important, and giving myself a little grace for the rest.

Mommin' ain't easy

Last week I was driving my daughter to dance class, stressing about work and letting the stress ruin my attitude. She was asking a million questions as usual, and I was short and exasperated with my answers. Suddenly she stopped and said in a small voice "I'm sad mommy, because you're upset." I apologized to her and explained I wasn't upset at her, but all I could think was - she is 3 years old and I'm already ruining her life.

The reality is setting in that my kids won't be babies forever. Babies are easy. You might not sleep and you might smell like spit-up and pumping in your car on a hot day is definitely no fun. But at the end of the day, as long as you are keeping them clean and fed and cuddled, that is all they really need. But toddlers. And kids. And teenagers. I have no idea how to emotionally parent a little human through those stages. I'm hoping it's one of those "one day at a time, learn as you go" situations. But I have to admit that I regularly pray that God would save my children from my own incompetency as a parent.

Last year I went through a class on Stasi Eldredge's Captivating book again, for the first time since I was a teenager. The video series followed several women as they explored how their past relationships impacted their self confidence and emotional well-being. Every single woman shared how they had been damaged by aspects of their relationship with their parents. The part that scared me as a parent was that most of the women weren't sharing stories of abuse. They were damaged emotionally because their dad didn't tell them he loved them enough, their mom didn't tell them they were pretty, their parents didn't come to enough sporting events, etc. I was a bit overwhelmed by the realization that each person's emotional needs are so different, that even if these parents thought they were doing right by their kids, they were missing the mark and these women were still trying to recover decades later. How the heck do I love my kids in the right ways so they aren't emotionally damaged in 30 years? (Yes, I'm familiar with the 5 love languages, and have heard that for kids you just need to pour on the love using all 5 languages, until you figure out what matters the most to your kids).

What I'm trying to say is - how do you prepare a kid for life when you're not sure you have it figured out yourself?

All I know at present is to make every day count. "Be where your feet are" is my latest motto. If my feet are at work, I need to be focused there. If my feet are running errands, I need to be aware of the needs of people around me. If my feet are beside my babies, I need to be present with them.

And yeah, maybe I should read some more parenting books. ;)

The mom I never thought I'd be

Disclaimer: this has been on my heart for quite some time. Given my background it may be controversial to some, so please read the notes at the bottom if you don’t like the post – hopefully they provide some clarification.

Growing up, my plan was to be a stay at home mom. I don’t think I even considered anything else in my mind as a kid. No doubt this was greatly influenced by the homeschool world I lived in. Let me be clear: I had the best childhood and would not change a thing about my life or personal homeschool experience.

Yet here I am 15 years later, spending most of the week at work (though I am not full-time right now). I never dreamed I would be the mom leaving her kid in someone else’s care all day! I won’t bore you with the details of how my mindset changed, but I will say that our current situation is the best choice for our family at this stage of life, and I wouldn’t change anything about it.

The point of this post is not to talk about why I made the decision to become the working mom I never thought I’d be. The point is to thank the women who made it possible for me to have that option.

·         Thank you to the women who made it “realistic” and “accepted” for a woman to have kids and still work.

·         Thank you to the women who cried in the car because the ladies at church said “if you really loved your kids you wouldn’t send them to daycare”.

·         Thank you to the women who helped put laws in place to protect pumping in the workplace. (I really hate pumping, but I am still so grateful that at least I can nurse and work. That I don’t have to make the choice between nursing or keeping my job).

·         Thank you to the women who fought for equal rights with men. Until thirty years ago, a woman couldn’t get a loan without having a male cosign. Even if the male was her teenage son, he still “counted” while she did not. Crazy!

·         Thank you to the women who tried to balance it all and climb the ladder and mop the floors and probably felt like they were failing at everything.

·         I know that it is “easier” for me to go to work and be a mom because so many others fought for those two items to co-exist, and that is what I am grateful for. I know there are still battles to fight. This post is not about what still needs to change in the workplace. This post is about where we’ve come from.

Growing up I was taught that working women bear the “double curse”. When Adam & Eve sinned, the man’s curse was that his work would be difficult, and the woman’s curse was that labor and childbirth would be difficult. I was taught that working women voluntarily take on both curses. Although I do understand that working women may bear double the curse (try a rough work day while throwing up from pregnancy nausea in the bathroom between meetings)… I also believe working women may have double the blessing. A fulfilling profession and the magic of being a mom. Just a thought.

Don’t get me wrong – I would love to work at my job AND be home with my daughter all the time. (For my WAHM friends, this is not where you send me info on your gig – I literally mean I want to be physically at my desk doing my job AND physically at home at the exact same time.) I want to be in two places at once. For our life right now, some kind of compromise seems to be the right decision. And that is what I am grateful for – that whether we choose to stay at home or work outside the home – it is a thousand times easier to do either in 2018 than it was in 1958 or probably even 1988. And that is what I am grateful for.

A few notes…

1)      To my mom: I put off posting this for a long time because I was afraid these words might hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you in any way. You gave up everything to stay home and raise us. Perhaps because of this we had the very best childhood and I am so grateful. (The biggest concern in my mind related to working instead of staying home is whether it will still give my kid the wonderful childhood I had.) Every good thing that I am is because of you and dad (and I know you would say by the grace of God). You are still sacrificing for me by watching my daughter a couple days a week so I can work. I want you to know that I realize you are still giving up your dream (that I would be a stay at home mom) so I can pursue my dreams, and you do it without criticizing me. There are not enough words to thank you for that. I don’t want this post (which is thanking other women for fighting other battles) to take away from my gratitude for you and the battles you fought for us.

2)      To my employer: Thank you for letting me work on a reduced and flexible schedule. It has been the best solution for this stage and I am grateful to work at a place where I am given that opportunity.

3)      To my SAHM and WAHM friends: This post is absolutely not to bash your choices, or to belittle the challenges you overcome every day. It’s simply about thanking some of the women who paved the way for those who choose to work outside the home. To those who would say I am inherently wrong because I am choosing not to be with my daughter all the time, I just ask that you consider this: do you tell your daughters they can be anything they want, or do you tell them they can only pursue something that corresponds with staying home? It doesn’t matter if you prefer that they choose to stay home – what matters is that they have a choice, and that they may exercise it. That’s what this post is about. Thanking the women who worked so hard to give us a choice, and to give our daughters a choice.

4)      I would be remiss if I didn’t thank our nanny and family and friends who watch our daughter. I'm no fan of Hillary Clinton but it sure does take a village.

 

 

Intentionality

Every year one word comes up repeatedly - it becomes my "theme" for the year. This year it seems that word is intentionality. After hearing it from Bible studies, friends, and at church, I finally decided to sit up and pay attention.

What is intentionality? To me right now it means maximizing each moment of each day. As Jim Elliott said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation that you believe to be the will of God." Ephesians 5:16 puts it this way "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil."

This doesn't mean I won't ever turn on Hulu or hit snooze on the alarm. For me it means constantly evaluating what my priority needs to be at the moment, focusing on that priority, and taking opportunities to incorporate my overall goals into each day (more on the goals below).

Applying this concept means evaluating how I spend my time and being intentional about where I spend it. For instance- using my commute to listen to sermons or recite verses (recite not memorize ;). Using nursing sessions to pray for other families instead of browsing Facebook (or online shopping, a nursing mom's kryptonite). Actively seeking opportunities to encourage others, especially people I cross paths without really thinking about (like cashiers).

It's so easy to let the mundane activities of each day overwhelm the eternal reality we sing about on Sunday. I believe the words I sing on Sunday, but it's Tuesday night, I'm trying to get the toddler to eat veggies, I have about 28 hours of work to do after she goes to bed, and the baseboards need dusting again! I forget about intentionality in the name of survival (and I only have 1 kid!).

I'm ashamed to admit I take my salvation for granted. This part is so embarrassing and true... My life is amazing, and one aspect of why it is amazing is the security that comes from knowing that I've been forgiven and redeemed.  But with that security comes a complacency that prevents me from even thinking about sharing that redemption with others. If we all had a disease, and I found the cure, but kept it to myself, how selfish would that make me? We do have a disease, and I am grateful every day for the grace that I found - but I don't explicitly share it. Sharing that grace and abiding in that grace is part of my overall life goal - where I'm at right now is working on intentionally using my time to make that goal happen.

Ideas are welcome!

Plan B

Please don't judge me for this post. I'm afraid it will be a little snapshot of how my mind sometimes works in very stupid ways.

For years I held onto an escape route. My plan B. If my whole life goes south due to whatever stressful situation I am currently freaking out about, my 'plan b' kicks in.

My plan b is very simple: I will move out west to a national forest in CO or WY and become a forest ranger and live in a campground. (Dead serious).

There are people who do this for a living - I've met them - they work for national forests by being 'campground hosts' and don't really make any money other than what they need to survive. Most of these people are retired and it frankly sounds amazing.

I used this plan b as a stress-management tool for years. "If everything falls apart, this is what I'll do." "If I get sued for everything - forget this and I'm moving west". Austin knew about this and laughingly said he would move with me when I need to.

I'm ashamed to say I truly relied to some extent on this plan b until just a few months ago. I was flying home from a job and dealing with a larger-than-normal stress load, and I was defaulting to my escape plan - when it hit me.

I can never run away. There is no running away. There is no escape plan, no plan b, no national forest campground. This little atlas can't shrug. I can't run because running won't make the problems go away. Running only means that someone else would have to step in and clean up, and that is not an option. The only option is taking ownership and responsibility for whatever situation I want to run from.

This is all stupid and obvious to anyone who knows anything, but to me that night it was a crystal clear revelation. In that moment I felt the weight of adulthood and responsibility come down on my shoulders. Something in my brain clicked and I think part of me grew up, in a way that all the 4:30 morning alarms and 15 hour days had not caused me to grow.

How has this changed my life? Other than no longer using plan b as a stress reducer, I am making conscious efforts to accept responsibility and ownership for fixing problems. It is so tempting to respond to an error or an accusation with a deflection (it wasn't me, it was so-and-so!) or a defense. But guess what. If I am taking this adulthood thing seriously I just have to accept responsibility regardless of whether I am at fault or not - and fix it.

So that's it. That is how embarassingly simple my mind works.

Next step is to get rid of plan C, which is best represented by a note on my desk that says "someday you'll be dead and this won't matter." Wish me luck ;)

Fight another day

I frequently wonder if I am the only person who thought that by 24 I would have my life figured out. On paper it looks like I am on the right track... college degree, professional certification, career, husband, etc.

Well - news flash, I'm actually about ten years old and still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and can I please get off this crazy merry-go-round before I wake up at 55 and wonder where my life went!

So what's missing? My family would tell me having a baby or three is just what I (they) need. But although kids may bring some sort of long-term fulfillment, I'm pretty sure throwing a baby in my life now would only make the merry-go-round spin faster.

Maybe the answer to my life's purpose isn't some monumental one-time act that will make me feel like my life is worth something. Maybe this is the answer...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews12]

That's all I have figured out so far. That my life's purpose right now is to get up and fight every day - fight the sin that traps me, fight for joy from the only source that will satisfy, and fight for endurance to do it all again tomorrow.