Grace for the mom

Now that I’m three years into this parenting trip, I am picking up breadcrumbs of what it means to be a mom – emotionally, physically, mentally. A recurring challenge that surfaces both in my head and in conversations with other moms stems from the pressures and expectations we deal with as moms. Some of these are really self-imposed, and some are projected on us (rightly or wrongly) by other people. As a new mom, I have been struck again and again with the need for grace. Grace for ourselves, grace for each other. It can be so easy to judge, but we don’t know the battles a mom has fought just to be where she is. Here are some thoughts that have been building up in my head – reminders for myself and anyone who needs them – to be kind to others and to be kind to yourself.

Grace for the mom who goes to work every day and cries in the car because she misses her babies.

Grace for the mom who stays home with her kids and cries in the bathroom because she misses her career.

Grace for the mom who hasn’t been back to the gym since her baby was born and feels guilty for not investing time in her physical health.

Grace for the mom who still uses Johnson baby shampoo, lets her kids eat goldfish, and leaves the essential oils untouched in the cabinet.

Grace for the mom who is scared of her Instant Pot, and who isn’t nearly the cook she intended to be by the time she was 30.

Grace for the mom who snaps at her kids in Target: maybe she’s not a bad mom, maybe she’s just having a bad moment.

Grace for the mom who is always scrambling to get the laundry put away by bedtime, regardless of how early in the morning she started the load.

Grace for the mom who feels like she pours out her heart every day and still sometimes burns the muffins and forgets the meal train she signed up for (guilty!).

Grace for the mom who is just so, so tired: who rocks her baby as she watches the dawn creep in through the window, knowing that as the darkness disappears so does any chance for sleep before she heads into another long day.

Grace for the mom who falls into bed exhausted and lays awake overwhelmed with everything she didn’t accomplish that day.

It’s hard not to compare ourselves with others in this picture-perfect IG world. It’s hard not to fixate on our own impossible standard of perfection. Dwelling on feelings of guilt or failure truly accomplishes nothing – it only steals our joy and wastes our time. I’m probably a failure of a mom according to many standards, but at the end of the day I don’t have to answer to social media or my peers. I do have to answer to God for the way I’m spending my time and if I’m making the right choices for the sweet little faces that look up to me. I’m working to focus on the season I’m in, prioritizing what is important, and giving myself a little grace for the rest.

Mommin' ain't easy

Last week I was driving my daughter to dance class, stressing about work and letting the stress ruin my attitude. She was asking a million questions as usual, and I was short and exasperated with my answers. Suddenly she stopped and said in a small voice "I'm sad mommy, because you're upset." I apologized to her and explained I wasn't upset at her, but all I could think was - she is 3 years old and I'm already ruining her life.

The reality is setting in that my kids won't be babies forever. Babies are easy. You might not sleep and you might smell like spit-up and pumping in your car on a hot day is definitely no fun. But at the end of the day, as long as you are keeping them clean and fed and cuddled, that is all they really need. But toddlers. And kids. And teenagers. I have no idea how to emotionally parent a little human through those stages. I'm hoping it's one of those "one day at a time, learn as you go" situations. But I have to admit that I regularly pray that God would save my children from my own incompetency as a parent.

Last year I went through a class on Stasi Eldredge's Captivating book again, for the first time since I was a teenager. The video series followed several women as they explored how their past relationships impacted their self confidence and emotional well-being. Every single woman shared how they had been damaged by aspects of their relationship with their parents. The part that scared me as a parent was that most of the women weren't sharing stories of abuse. They were damaged emotionally because their dad didn't tell them he loved them enough, their mom didn't tell them they were pretty, their parents didn't come to enough sporting events, etc. I was a bit overwhelmed by the realization that each person's emotional needs are so different, that even if these parents thought they were doing right by their kids, they were missing the mark and these women were still trying to recover decades later. How the heck do I love my kids in the right ways so they aren't emotionally damaged in 30 years? (Yes, I'm familiar with the 5 love languages, and have heard that for kids you just need to pour on the love using all 5 languages, until you figure out what matters the most to your kids).

What I'm trying to say is - how do you prepare a kid for life when you're not sure you have it figured out yourself?

All I know at present is to make every day count. "Be where your feet are" is my latest motto. If my feet are at work, I need to be focused there. If my feet are running errands, I need to be aware of the needs of people around me. If my feet are beside my babies, I need to be present with them.

And yeah, maybe I should read some more parenting books. ;)