Plan B

Please don't judge me for this post. I'm afraid it will be a little snapshot of how my mind sometimes works in very stupid ways.

For years I held onto an escape route. My plan B. If my whole life goes south due to whatever stressful situation I am currently freaking out about, my 'plan b' kicks in.

My plan b is very simple: I will move out west to a national forest in CO or WY and become a forest ranger and live in a campground. (Dead serious).

There are people who do this for a living - I've met them - they work for national forests by being 'campground hosts' and don't really make any money other than what they need to survive. Most of these people are retired and it frankly sounds amazing.

I used this plan b as a stress-management tool for years. "If everything falls apart, this is what I'll do." "If I get sued for everything - forget this and I'm moving west". Austin knew about this and laughingly said he would move with me when I need to.

I'm ashamed to say I truly relied to some extent on this plan b until just a few months ago. I was flying home from a job and dealing with a larger-than-normal stress load, and I was defaulting to my escape plan - when it hit me.

I can never run away. There is no running away. There is no escape plan, no plan b, no national forest campground. This little atlas can't shrug. I can't run because running won't make the problems go away. Running only means that someone else would have to step in and clean up, and that is not an option. The only option is taking ownership and responsibility for whatever situation I want to run from.

This is all stupid and obvious to anyone who knows anything, but to me that night it was a crystal clear revelation. In that moment I felt the weight of adulthood and responsibility come down on my shoulders. Something in my brain clicked and I think part of me grew up, in a way that all the 4:30 morning alarms and 15 hour days had not caused me to grow.

How has this changed my life? Other than no longer using plan b as a stress reducer, I am making conscious efforts to accept responsibility and ownership for fixing problems. It is so tempting to respond to an error or an accusation with a deflection (it wasn't me, it was so-and-so!) or a defense. But guess what. If I am taking this adulthood thing seriously I just have to accept responsibility regardless of whether I am at fault or not - and fix it.

So that's it. That is how embarassingly simple my mind works.

Next step is to get rid of plan C, which is best represented by a note on my desk that says "someday you'll be dead and this won't matter." Wish me luck ;)

Fight another day

I frequently wonder if I am the only person who thought that by 24 I would have my life figured out. On paper it looks like I am on the right track... college degree, professional certification, career, husband, etc.

Well - news flash, I'm actually about ten years old and still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and can I please get off this crazy merry-go-round before I wake up at 55 and wonder where my life went!

So what's missing? My family would tell me having a baby or three is just what I (they) need. But although kids may bring some sort of long-term fulfillment, I'm pretty sure throwing a baby in my life now would only make the merry-go-round spin faster.

Maybe the answer to my life's purpose isn't some monumental one-time act that will make me feel like my life is worth something. Maybe this is the answer...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews12]

That's all I have figured out so far. That my life's purpose right now is to get up and fight every day - fight the sin that traps me, fight for joy from the only source that will satisfy, and fight for endurance to do it all again tomorrow.