Last week I was driving my daughter to dance class, stressing about work and letting the stress ruin my attitude. She was asking a million questions as usual, and I was short and exasperated with my answers. Suddenly she stopped and said in a small voice "I'm sad mommy, because you're upset." I apologized to her and explained I wasn't upset at her, but all I could think was - she is 3 years old and I'm already ruining her life.
The reality is setting in that my kids won't be babies forever. Babies are easy. You might not sleep and you might smell like spit-up and pumping in your car on a hot day is definitely no fun. But at the end of the day, as long as you are keeping them clean and fed and cuddled, that is all they really need. But toddlers. And kids. And teenagers. I have no idea how to emotionally parent a little human through those stages. I'm hoping it's one of those "one day at a time, learn as you go" situations. But I have to admit that I regularly pray that God would save my children from my own incompetency as a parent.
Last year I went through a class on Stasi Eldredge's Captivating book again, for the first time since I was a teenager. The video series followed several women as they explored how their past relationships impacted their self confidence and emotional well-being. Every single woman shared how they had been damaged by aspects of their relationship with their parents. The part that scared me as a parent was that most of the women weren't sharing stories of abuse. They were damaged emotionally because their dad didn't tell them he loved them enough, their mom didn't tell them they were pretty, their parents didn't come to enough sporting events, etc. I was a bit overwhelmed by the realization that each person's emotional needs are so different, that even if these parents thought they were doing right by their kids, they were missing the mark and these women were still trying to recover decades later. How the heck do I love my kids in the right ways so they aren't emotionally damaged in 30 years? (Yes, I'm familiar with the 5 love languages, and have heard that for kids you just need to pour on the love using all 5 languages, until you figure out what matters the most to your kids).
What I'm trying to say is - how do you prepare a kid for life when you're not sure you have it figured out yourself?
All I know at present is to make every day count. "Be where your feet are" is my latest motto. If my feet are at work, I need to be focused there. If my feet are running errands, I need to be aware of the needs of people around me. If my feet are beside my babies, I need to be present with them.
And yeah, maybe I should read some more parenting books. ;)
