The mom I never thought I'd be

Disclaimer: this has been on my heart for quite some time. Given my background it may be controversial to some, so please read the notes at the bottom if you don’t like the post – hopefully they provide some clarification.

Growing up, my plan was to be a stay at home mom. I don’t think I even considered anything else in my mind as a kid. No doubt this was greatly influenced by the homeschool world I lived in. Let me be clear: I had the best childhood and would not change a thing about my life or personal homeschool experience.

Yet here I am 15 years later, spending most of the week at work (though I am not full-time right now). I never dreamed I would be the mom leaving her kid in someone else’s care all day! I won’t bore you with the details of how my mindset changed, but I will say that our current situation is the best choice for our family at this stage of life, and I wouldn’t change anything about it.

The point of this post is not to talk about why I made the decision to become the working mom I never thought I’d be. The point is to thank the women who made it possible for me to have that option.

·         Thank you to the women who made it “realistic” and “accepted” for a woman to have kids and still work.

·         Thank you to the women who cried in the car because the ladies at church said “if you really loved your kids you wouldn’t send them to daycare”.

·         Thank you to the women who helped put laws in place to protect pumping in the workplace. (I really hate pumping, but I am still so grateful that at least I can nurse and work. That I don’t have to make the choice between nursing or keeping my job).

·         Thank you to the women who fought for equal rights with men. Until thirty years ago, a woman couldn’t get a loan without having a male cosign. Even if the male was her teenage son, he still “counted” while she did not. Crazy!

·         Thank you to the women who tried to balance it all and climb the ladder and mop the floors and probably felt like they were failing at everything.

·         I know that it is “easier” for me to go to work and be a mom because so many others fought for those two items to co-exist, and that is what I am grateful for. I know there are still battles to fight. This post is not about what still needs to change in the workplace. This post is about where we’ve come from.

Growing up I was taught that working women bear the “double curse”. When Adam & Eve sinned, the man’s curse was that his work would be difficult, and the woman’s curse was that labor and childbirth would be difficult. I was taught that working women voluntarily take on both curses. Although I do understand that working women may bear double the curse (try a rough work day while throwing up from pregnancy nausea in the bathroom between meetings)… I also believe working women may have double the blessing. A fulfilling profession and the magic of being a mom. Just a thought.

Don’t get me wrong – I would love to work at my job AND be home with my daughter all the time. (For my WAHM friends, this is not where you send me info on your gig – I literally mean I want to be physically at my desk doing my job AND physically at home at the exact same time.) I want to be in two places at once. For our life right now, some kind of compromise seems to be the right decision. And that is what I am grateful for – that whether we choose to stay at home or work outside the home – it is a thousand times easier to do either in 2018 than it was in 1958 or probably even 1988. And that is what I am grateful for.

A few notes…

1)      To my mom: I put off posting this for a long time because I was afraid these words might hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you in any way. You gave up everything to stay home and raise us. Perhaps because of this we had the very best childhood and I am so grateful. (The biggest concern in my mind related to working instead of staying home is whether it will still give my kid the wonderful childhood I had.) Every good thing that I am is because of you and dad (and I know you would say by the grace of God). You are still sacrificing for me by watching my daughter a couple days a week so I can work. I want you to know that I realize you are still giving up your dream (that I would be a stay at home mom) so I can pursue my dreams, and you do it without criticizing me. There are not enough words to thank you for that. I don’t want this post (which is thanking other women for fighting other battles) to take away from my gratitude for you and the battles you fought for us.

2)      To my employer: Thank you for letting me work on a reduced and flexible schedule. It has been the best solution for this stage and I am grateful to work at a place where I am given that opportunity.

3)      To my SAHM and WAHM friends: This post is absolutely not to bash your choices, or to belittle the challenges you overcome every day. It’s simply about thanking some of the women who paved the way for those who choose to work outside the home. To those who would say I am inherently wrong because I am choosing not to be with my daughter all the time, I just ask that you consider this: do you tell your daughters they can be anything they want, or do you tell them they can only pursue something that corresponds with staying home? It doesn’t matter if you prefer that they choose to stay home – what matters is that they have a choice, and that they may exercise it. That’s what this post is about. Thanking the women who worked so hard to give us a choice, and to give our daughters a choice.

4)      I would be remiss if I didn’t thank our nanny and family and friends who watch our daughter. I'm no fan of Hillary Clinton but it sure does take a village.